I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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