i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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