he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wear drunk well.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
