Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
