I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
