Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
