From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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