He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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