Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
