I didn't shave. On purpose
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
