Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
