When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
