Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
