I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I booty called her while she was in labor.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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