She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
