we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
