I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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