Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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