I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't deserve a penis
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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