If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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