I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize