I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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