checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
