my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
