i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
