i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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