bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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