i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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