I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
