I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize