I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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