so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
