Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
