Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
