I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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