there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
