my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
