I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
