The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
