hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
