Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
