I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
