Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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