He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
