I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
