i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
