I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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