Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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