can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
