smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
