i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
