Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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