my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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