if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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