i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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