im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
