This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
