Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
