I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
