A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
