This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
