I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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