Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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